Learn to say ‘NO’ and communicate through the help of journaling

Listen up, its time to thank your past and move the fuck on. In this time of healing and self discovery it's easy to blame our pasts for our ‘personality’ or the ways we react to situations. I want us to take a look at the negative self talk that spirals us into bouts of frustration or anger. How many of you take on things you shouldn't, or shut down when you're faced with an emotional challenge. This blog post is going to highlight to examples of why you may react a certain way and how to overcome those reactions.

Let’s take a look at the past, certain experiences have absolutely wired our brains to respond to situations a certain way. If you are someone who is having a hard time with regulating your emotions, taking offense easily to people's criticism, maybe you have a hard time saying ‘no’ and take on too much or maybe you straight up shut down and let all these feelings fester into one big ball of anxiety and resentment.

That fear of disappointing someone or that anger you get when someone does not agree with you, this is all conditioned into you and chances are you are either unaware, or you are aware but don't know how to change. Let me help you, below I will walk you through some situations and ways to handle them. 

Disclaimer; I am not a doctor or registered therapist. I am a lifestyle coach here to help you through your health journey starting with mindset.

Ok let's get started.

So the first thing you will want to do is grab a journal. Don't roll your eyes at me, trust me when i say this tool can either make or break your ability to grow and change. Write down a situation that has occurred. For example;  ‘I agreed to do this task that I don't think I really have time for nor do I want to do’. Write down the task. List the reasons why you don't want to do it and why you don't have time for it. Now I want you to write down why you took this taks on. Here are some examples as to why I may have taken a task on in the past that I perhaps should not have. 

• If i don’t do this, this person will dislike me

• If i don't do this no one else will

• I have to take this on otherwise ill be considered lazy

Do you really think these answers are legitimate? Do you truly believe what you are saying?

If you truly believe that someone will dislike you for saying ‘no’ we need to dig deeper. 

Im guessing as a child you were likely taught to always work hard, to never rest and your were considered a good child if you kept  quiet and did as you were told. Here's the thing, this creates very anxious, stressed, over worked and tired adults who are NOT HEALTHY. 

Now that you have written down a situation and have broken down the reasons why the situation is bother you, do you feel you can overcome it the next time? Using the example above, your next goal would be to write in your journal all the positives that would come with saying ‘no’ or changing your behaviour. So for example

• Saying no will provide me more time to do something i want to do

• Setting a boundary is healthy and needed for my mental health

• I understand that my fear is valid but it is from past experiences, people are more understanding and i do not need to explain why i cannot take this on

Hopefully this helps you understand how to approach situations that make you uncomfortable and understand that setting boundaries is imperative to your own health.

Now I want to take another example. Lets say you are someone who has a hard time communicating their feelings. This could be because as a child perhaps when you felt sad,angry, or excited you were shut down and told to behave or sent to your room. Your brain automatically associates these emotions with a negative response from others. Once again you need to understand the why behind your behavior. So why is expressing your emotions so important? Well if you want a healthy relationship with your peers, partner or family members you need to get used to communicating things. People are not mind readers if something is festering and you don't get it out of your system you will either explode on the wrong person or have a major miscommunication. Here is how I handle some big feelings when I feel like Im spiraling

• Pull out that damn journal. Write down what you are feeling. For example ‘im feeling concerned that my partner is losing interest’

• Now evaluate why you may feel that way for example ‘they are less communicative’

• Now are they less communicative or have you stopped communicating? 

• Does this worry come from a past experience? Example ‘ my last partner became distant and cheated on me’

• Ok so we now have a reason as to why we may be thinking this way. A past experience has caused us to feel insecure, anxious and withdrawn, So how do we fix it.

• #1 i would have to say is understand that this situation, although it may seem similar is NOT the same. 

• #2. You need to bring your concern up to your partner and explain to them why this makes you feel a certain way. Chances are your partner either does not realize what they are doing OR they may even be thinking the same thing!

• #3 yes bringing up emotions is scary, i am not saying it is easy but once you get in the habit of first writing the situation down, acknowledging the why behind your feelings and then approaching the situation with a level headed approach rather than outrage and anger and frustration you will find communication will become a lot easier.

So to sum it all up. If you find you are having feelings/emotions that are producing a negative behavior, figure out why. Write it down in your journal and think about why this situation is bringing up these heavy emotions. Analyze and assess. Now come up with a plan to change your way of thinking and in turn your behavior will change too.

This takes practice, changing your thought pattern and in turn your behavior will not happen after journaling once. This is something that needs to become a habit and practice for long term positive outcome. Change your mindset, change your brain, change your behavior. You literally have the power to heal yourself which is pretty fucking awsome.

Thanks for reading,

Sarah Snipper