Journey to Sobriety Pt.2

I didn't know what I was doing when I first decided to get sober. The hardest part was figuring out if I was even an alcoholic or an addict. I mean I had a decent job, I owned my condo, and my clients liked me. I was working out 6x a week, and I looked good. I wasn’t hooked on heroin or homeless so there’s no way I’m an addict. Right?

One of the reasons it took me so long to stick to sobriety was that I never believed I had a problem, lots of people drink and lots of people drink to excess, so if that's the norm then who cares?

So accepting I had a problem was number one for me to accept myself. I found a podcast called recovery elevator, it was a podcast where people shared their sobriety stories. These individuals were a lot like me, some only drank on weekends, some during the day, some had been sober for years, some only a few hours. It made me realize that addiction is somewhat of a spectrum, that it is very common, that it's okay and that you can recover.  Let me quickly mention that in part 1 I left out a lot of information and other circumstances of my mental health such as my multiple eating disorders, horrific lack of self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness.

During those first few weeks of sobriety, I  went for long walks in the cold weather down by the river where the wind was strong and would sting my skin. I think I needed to feel something. Listening to different podcasts on addiction I came across Dr. Gabot Mate. In his interview on Tim Ferris’ podcast, he talks about childhood trauma and how it changes the way the brain is essentially wired. Of course, I always assumed trauma was the worst of the worst; sexual abuse, starvation, car accidents etc. He put it slightly differently, he talked about how a child's brain develops differently depending on the environment and its bond to its mother. He talks about how trauma can be passed down and how if a mother is stressed during a pregnancy that can affect the baby. 

 I connected my emotional turmoil to some major events in my life. The first is that I was a very premature baby. I was born at 26 weeks, 2 lbs 0 oz. I was immediately put into an incubator and received major surgery to open a valve between my heart and lungs. Why does that matter? Well because I was born in a heightened state of fight or flight without even knowing it. I also had no time to bond with my mother. There was no skin-to-skin, no breastfeeding, just needles and medications and a very sterile environment.

I am also adopted, something I’ve always known, I cannot remember a time I did not know this.  I never felt like I belonged anywhere, and I always felt unsure and insecure. I didn't look like anyone in my family, I didn't feel ‘love’ or want to be touched or have a hug. Those feelings carried over well into my early 30s.

Learning why I felt the way I did was the first time I went ‘omg this all makes sense’ alcohol was just a substance I used to completely numb all the feelings because those feelings were so abnormal. I rather feel nothing than anything at all.  A part of that was also how I was raised. My basic needs were met, I had food, shelter and ‘love’. But love was strange in my house, if I was considered ‘bad’ I was often sent to my room with no dinner, food was either a reward or punishment; see why I maybe still struggle with food. I don’t recall any ‘reward’ for being good. Mostly just punishment; I must have been a bad girl. I know I was a bad girl, but ‘bad girl’ was just me trying to voice the feelings I felt. They were super strong emotions that had no words to describe them because in my home often those emotions were not shown. Sadness was not shown, happiness was shown when only something positive was going on, it wasn't something I felt often.  What I remember was a lot of anger, loud yelling and unhappiness.  Lots of yelling at my dad by my mother, lots of angry fights between myself and my mother and lots of fights at school with teachers. 

I remember being told to ‘play over there and be quiet’ as an only child that meant playing with my Polly pocket and being quiet so mom could read or dad could work. I did a lot of stuff alone, colouring, reading, playing. Now let me just say it wasn't all sad and angry there was happiness when I did well in school or crushed one of my athletic adventures, but it felt as though everything weighed on my ability to perform in the education system, something I was not great at. 

 I remember my mother yelling at my father to stop working and come to the dinner table or yelling at him for being late. I remember my dad never stopping just always doing something and calling me lazy if I wanted to lounge on the couch ( which wasn't comfortable at all because it was a rattan couch that sat like one person). I didn't realize until I was much older that I had a nanny before I was put into daycare. I was a  child raised by the school system, dropped off first, and picked up last. There was no bonding between my parents and I. I never felt comfortable with them, and I suspect a large part of that is because I was told at a very young age that I was adopted.  The house was cold. There were no pictures of family, just art. I know I'm painting a pretty boring home life but all these things affected me as I grew up and had to navigate relationships. I didn't know how to love myself or others, I didn’t know how to set boundaries are allow others to set theirs. I often played the victim role for sympathy, I just wanted someone to pay attention to me and ‘love’ me.  I’ve people pleased most of my life, working overtime for jobs I hated and agreeing to things I never wanted to do, but please, accept me and tell me how wonderful I am because I don’t know how to do that for myself.

I was never warm in relationships, I was always ‘cold’ but would allow my body to be used as I thought it was what would keep the men in my life with me. I didn't understand how to love, how to be loved or what ‘love and acceptance’ is. Until sobriety.

Those first years of sobriety I thought I was thriving. I was not. I was desperate for love and was searching on the apps for the one Prince charming, I was spending money on new sneakers constantly ( another addiction-forming) and dove head first into powerlifting which ultimately, looking back now was just a replacement. I couldn’t ‘rest’ I was always doing something, full-time work, 2 volunteer positions, training hard at the gym, and in school, filling every hour of every day from the moment I woke up at 4 am to bedtime at 9 pm I did not stop. I was still numbing my reality and truly not healing.

Only recently; maybe in the past 3 years since moving into the country and being forced to rest through covid did I truly start to do the work on repairing my relationship with myself. I chose to pick a job I had never done before ( framing houses-carpentry) which was a huge challenge full of frustrations. Ultimately I did not continue with it, rather than feeling like I failed I have accepted that it's okay to try things and have them not work out. Had I still been in active addiction,  I never would have even tried. Had I still been in active addiction, failure would not have been an option, I would have stayed in a job I hated until I burned out. I have learned to let go and understand that our past shapes our present but we can change our future. I am still learning as I go, I am still working on allowing myself to just be myself and not try to fit into some box other people are creating. I still struggle with food and communication but the difference is I continue to work on it rather than shut down and reach for the bottle. I share this with you as the reader because I want you to know that whatever shit storm you are currently in, you can get out of it. You can change, you can heal and you can continue to evolve. You just have to want to do it and understand that there will be obstacles to overcome. People around you will either grow with you or fall off, don't get too caught up in what people think and be the person you want to be. 

I have many more stories I want to share, sometimes I think about writing a book because it's interesting to me to dig deep back into my memory vault. For example, I left out a pivotal part of my life; I dated an NHL player when I was 20 and moved to the U.S. Lots of stories there, he is going on 14 years of sobriety this December. Thanks for reading this! Many more stories to come!